Thursday, February 7, 2013
Day 219 - Relationship - Pt. 3
So I will apply self-forgiveness on what I have written so far.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fantasy/ image within and as my mind, in an alternate reality, of what I believed a relationship should look like, what should be experienced within that relationship that coincided with my fantasy/image, where I did not place myself practically, here in the physical, where I did not come from a starting point of of natural self-expression, recognizing it in myself, and my partner, where instead I created a fantasy that neither one of us could live up to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in expectation in a relationship as to what I perceived a relationship, and thus experience disappointment when that expectation wasn't met, thus compounding the situation by reacting in anger/resentment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate the relationship to become what I imagined it should be instead of just directing myself, as a natural expression of myself, interacting with my partner in a practical, physical way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch movies/read books, where I formed a fantasy world of how I imagined a relationship should be, whereby I never experienced a true, physical, relationship where both partners were one and equal, living themselves as their natural expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had it all figured out, where I would badger my partner to express his feelings, where I felt I was in touch with my feelings, where I believed that one could not successfully express themselves in a relationship if they were not expressing themselves as their feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feelings are/were real, and thus created a fantasy within my mind, where myself and my partner would share our feelings, which would bring us closer, when in actuality it just drove us apart.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was superior to my partner because I believed I was in touch with my feelings and he wasn't, where I would initiate these endless conversations, talking about feelings, dissecting the relationship, dissecting him/me, where at the end of these 'discussions' I would always feel drained, depressed, because nothing ever came from these so called heart-to-hearts, where nothing ever changed, where the relationship just continued to deteriorate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express anger/resentment towards my partner because he did not stroke my ego, because I was coming from a starting point of fear, fear that he really didn't love me, fear that I wasn't up to his 'ideal' that he carried in his mind, that he would leave me, which he ended up doing, when he kicked me out, because I just made it impossible for him, where I would never let up, where I was relentless.
To be continued.............